That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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