at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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