if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
