i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
