I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
