so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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