I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
