when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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