He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
