dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
