I am midnight drunk by noon
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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