Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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