Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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