Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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