I think I died a long time ago.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
