return my video game
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
