What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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