Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
