i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize