Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
