my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
40s are totally the cure
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
