WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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