You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
We need to rekindle our bromance
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
