it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
