i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
pop tarts are not kleenex
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
