My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize