I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
