She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Boobs are out for the taking
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
