i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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