apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
