she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
