you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
