There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
