OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
