how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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