Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize