fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
