i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
