i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize