Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
