Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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