I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
