Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
