i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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