hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
