You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
