Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
