Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
the condom got lost in my hair
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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