this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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