It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
