Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
