Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
