How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
