I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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