First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
