Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
