my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
