They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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